The Fix

This is from Manfred’s Mom.

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: “How Would You Fix the Economy?”

I think this guy nailed it!
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Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America ’s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the “Patriotic Retirement Plan”:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings – Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can’t get any easier than that!!

Mr. President, while you’re at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I’ll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes…

Exercise For People Over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Random Thoughts for the Day

Jeanne sent me this.  Thanks, pal!

1.    I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2.   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3.   I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4.   There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5.   How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.   Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.   Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8.   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9.   I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10.   Bad decisions make good stories.

11.   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12.   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13.   I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14.   “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this — ever.

15.   I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16.   I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17.   I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18.   My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

19.   I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20.   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Terrorist Awareness Security Levels Around the World

Something to offend everyone!  Thanks, Chris!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pi**ed Off” to “Let’s get the B***ards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed the French white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us.” In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate.” Three more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend” and “The Barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Organ Thieves

This horrifying warning is courtesy of Cousin Nancy.  Surely it was sent to her from someone else and she just past it along out of kindness…… I can’t imagine it actually happening to her!

A must  read… Important.

You’ve heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else’s thighs.  It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.  Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I’d have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.  This was really getting scary – my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee!  Those ‘plastic’ surgeion are using REAL replacement body parts -  Stolen from you and me!!

The next time someone you know has something ’lifted’, look again – was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX.

This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs.. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too  ‘important’ not to pass on. Have a  wonderful day – with a joy filled heart. Always remember to laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!

p.p.s. Those same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it????